Grail of Oz
by Bling Bling Euro necklace
Summary: COMPLETE! What happens when one of our favorite Pythons is pulled into Oz? Please review but no flames
1. Chapter 1

The Grail of Oz

By Bling Bling Euro Necklace

A/N: This comes from listening to "The Wiz" while going on a road trip and watching assorted Monty Python DVDs. I hope no one gets offended. This was also inspired by a dream I had. I do not own "The Wizard of Oz", "Monty Python", "The Wiz", or any of the Pythons. Warning, the first chapter is a bit depressing since it deals with the reason why my favorite Python has the nickname, the dead one. It is also very short because it deals with a real event and I wasn't there so I don't know exactly what happened. I hope this doesn't get me in trouble but it's a story that has been brewing for a while and I have to get it out... Please Review but no flames.

Chapter 1- The Feeling We Once Had

Graham lay in the hospital asleep. His friends had been visiting throughout the day. The next day was the 20th anniversary of the Monty Python TV Show. Graham was close to death. He opened his eyes to see his life partner and two fellow members of Monty Python by his side. He smiled and closed his eyes. The sounds of the heart and brain wave monitors melted away as he slipped from consciousness.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Find the Grail

A/N: Things are looking up now. This chapter is quite a bit longer. Again, I don't own Monty Python, The Wizard of Oz, The Wiz, or any of the Pythons.

Graham woke up and looked around. He was in a bright garden. He fell out of the bed and realized he could stand again. He looked about himself to realize he was young and healthy again. He no longer wore hospital garments but his famous Colonel uniform and in his breast pocket, his trusty pipe stuck out. He smiled, pleased with this and looked around. Suddenly, he heard a voice.

"Hey! Sire!"

Graham recognized this voice and turned around to see a rather familiar face.

"Terry?"

"Terry? No, sire, I'm Patsy."

Graham stared at him. He had to ask him a question.

"Terr- Patsy, is this Heaven?"

"No," said another familiar voice.

Graham snapped around to see what was obviously a man in drag. He smiled.

"Terry?"

"No. I am the Good Spam Lady of the North! You have done a great thing." The Spam Lady said.

Graham looked around.

"What have I done?"

"Why, you've killed the Wicked Pepperpot of the East." The Spam Lady said as she motioned to the feet sticking out from underneath his hospital bed. On these feet were two cans of spam.

"Umm…. Where am I?"

"Why, you are in Oz. my dear. You are in the Gilliam Country."

"Then wasn't I supposed to kill the Wicked Witch of the East? And aren't you supposed to be the Good Witch of the North. And wasn't this Munchkin Country"

"No. You see, the Witches all left Oz in 1968, along with the munchkins and winkies and so on. When your television program came on in 1969, all of the characters came to Oz as they were used. Unfortunately, duplicates were made of some of us due to popularity of the characters and an evil copy appeared in different places of Oz. I have an evil twin in the West and there is a Good Pepperpot in the South."

Graham nodded, slightly confused.

"So, why am I here?" he asked.

"Well, I am not quite sure." The Spam Lady replied.

"Is there a way I can get back home?"

"Well, the only way I know of is to consult the Grail of Oz. It knows all."

Suddenly, a Gilliam-esque animation appeared and motioned to the hospital bed. Graham and the Spam Lady looked at the bed to see that the feet were gone and all that was left were the cans of spam.

"Look! The wicked Pepperpot disappeared!" the Animation said.

"Yes. It seems it has! Well, my dear Graham-"

"Wait! How do you know my name?"

"Well, as I said, I am a character from your TV show. I know all of your names though you are the only Python to visit Oz. Anyway, now you must go and consult the Grail of Oz. you can wear the cans of Spam because they hold powers even I don't know about."

"But I don't-"

"I know. Just wear the cans."

Graham grumbled as he put on the cans of spam. He turned to ask another question to the Spam Lady but he soon realized she was gone.

"Um… how do I get to the Grail?" Graham asked the animation.

"Follow the Yellow Brick Road. It's where the Emerald City used to be."

"Figures," Graham thought. "Come along Patsy." Graham called to Pasty who began clicking coconuts behind him. Graham decided to play along and pretended as though he were riding a horse.

As the two rode off into the distance, a giant foot stepped down on top of the Animation. But no one seemed to care for this was a regular occurrence in Oz nowadays.

A/N: Well, I hoped you like this chapter. Please review but no Flames. Again, I hope not to offend.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3- If I only had a Parrot

A/N: As I have said in previous Chapters, I do not own Monty Python yada yada yada. I think by now we should know that I do not own anything except a pair of tap shoes, A CD of Spamalot and other various musicals, and several Monty Python Paraphernalia. Anyway. Please review and no flames.

Graham and Patsy trotted down the Yellow Brick Road. They came upon a field outside of Gilliam Country. The sign said Cleese Country. Graham groaned.

"Oh no…"

A man silly-walked past him. Graham turned to Patsy.

"Have you ever gone any farther than Gilliam Country?"

"No sire… I was waiting for someone to follow around while banging these coconuts together." He replied.

"Well, you better stay back because most of these characters are cold, heartless, bleeps."

"Alright then." Patsy replied.

Graham looked around. Suddenly, he saw a familiar character.

"We can go over to this one. I wrote the sketch he was in so I know how to deal with him."

Graham and Patsy trotted over to a man who was holding a cage in which there was a dead parrot. The man looked over to them.

"I went to Palin Country and bought a parrot and when I got back, I realized it to be dead! All I want is a parrot! People have tried to sell me slugs and terriers but I want a talking parrot!"

Graham and Patsy looked at each other.

"Well, since I wrote your sketch, I feel I should make things right. Why don't you come with Patsy and me? We're going to the Grail of Oz to see if I can get home. Maybe it can give you a living Parrot as well."

The man looked at him. He nodded.

"Alright. I'll come along. What's your name?"

"Graham Chapman."

The man immediately knelt down to him.

"Oh! You are the blessed creator of my sketch. Even though I never got the parrot in the end, I am still in debt for your creating me."

"Well, John Cleese also helped."

"But he isn't here, is he?" the man said.

"What can I call you by?" Graham asked.

"Well, I never officially got a name in your sketch."

"Alright… can I just call you John?"

The man thought for a second.

"Sure." John said. "Now, how do we get to the Grail?"

"Well, we were told to follow the Yellow Brick Road." Patsy said. "I suppose we just trot on down."

"On what?"

"Well, we'll just ride down the road as we have been-"

"Ride? All I've seen is you banging two coconuts together!"

"Let's not get into that!" Graham said, knowing what was going to happen. "These lines are quoted too much anyway. Now, let's get on with this quest and find the Grail of Oz."

With that, Graham, Patsy, and John "trotted" down the road, headed to the Grail. As they "rode", Graham decided to get to know his traveling companion.

"So why do you want a talking parrot?"

"Well, partly because you created me to want one and partly so that it can warn me of the presence of my worst fear."

"And what is that?"

"Eggs, bacon, and spam." John replied.

A/N: Sorry for the randomness. I am also censoring this story. Anyway, please review and no flames.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4- Idle Country

A/N: As I have said, I do not own anything that has to do with Monty Python or the Wizard of Oz. Please review but no Flames

The three trotted down the Yellow Brick Road. They came across a sign as they entered the woods. It read, "The Woods of Idle Land". Graham led the group into the woods. As they galloped through, they came across an Australian who was passed out alongside the road with a beer can clutched in his hand. Further down the road, they came upon a man who was sitting on the side of the road. Graham "dismounted" and walked up to the man.

"Hello. What is your name, sir?"

"My name is Mr. Smoke Too Much," the man replied.

Graham snapped back in shock. He couldn't remember this sketch.

"Oh no… I don't remember how this sketch went!" Graham cried.

Patsy stepped forward.

"What is your name again?" Patsy asked.

"Mr. Smoke Too Much"

"Well, you better cut down a little then." Patsy replied.

"What?"

"I said, you better cut down a little then!"

"Oh! Some too much so I better but down a little then."

Graham suddenly remembered this character.

"Why are you sitting on the side of the road, Smoke Too Much?"

"Well, I ban't say the letter "b" and so the other barabters that live in Idle Land make fun of me."

"What can't he say?" John asked.

"The letter 'c'" Graham answered.

"That's right! 'B'. It's all from a trauma I suffered when I was a sbool boy. I was attacked by a Siamese Bat"

"Well, do you want this problem fixed?" Graham asked.

"Yes. That would be nibe."

"Well we're on our way to consult the Grail of Oz," Patsy said. "Why don't you come along? Maybe the Grail can tell you how to fix this problem."

Smoke Too Much jumped for joy.

"Oh boy! I ban get my problem fixed and I'll be able to say things like bat, Banterbury, and Born Flakes!"

The group was soon on its way. As they headed down the road, Smoke Too Much began to talk too much. This was remedied quickly when John hit Smoke Too Much over the head with the dead parrot, shutting him up immediately.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this installment. Please read and review but no flames.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5- Palin Country

A/N: I do not own anything that has to do with Monty Python or the Wizard of Oz. Please Review but no flames.

The group walked down the yellow brick road into a land that seemed very happy and much sunnier than any other part of Oz. A man skipped by singing the "Finland Song". The group saw several accountants at desks. They soon came across a pet shop.

"There it is!" John cried. "It's the pet shop I got this dead parrot from!"

"Why don't we go in and try to return it?" Graham asked.

"You know he won't take it back and give me a new one! You wrote the sketch."

"Right…" Graham said.

They walked a little further. They came across a large lake and sat down for a while. They watched a man on a dock skipping back and forth with two small fish in his hands. Each time he went forward, her would slap the air with the fish. After doing this four times, he would stop every so often and then continue as if something were missing. Suddenly, gasps were heard. The group did a collective head turn and looked out into the water to see a in tattered clothing emerge. He began to run up to the shore. When he reached the group, he fell flat on his face. He then looked up at Graham.

"It's-"

The "Liberty Bell March" by Sousa began to play. The man growled angrily. Underneath the music, he cursed and ranted. Finally the music stopped.

"What was that?" John asked.

"I'm not sure but it always happens to me!" the man cried. "Every time I say that word, that bleep music starts playing!"

Graham looked to the rest of the group and then back to the man.

"Well, why don't you try to not say the word?"

"Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it is to carry on a normal conversation without using 'it's'?" The man screamed.

He realized he had just said the word and covered his mouth as the music started up again. After it ended, the man sat down in frustration.

"I see what you mean," Graham said. "Why don't you come with us? We are on our way to consult the Grail of Oz. Maybe it can help you out as well."

"Oh! Thank you so much! I'll come with you for sure!" The man cried in glee.

"Alright," Graham said. "By the way, I didn't catch your name."

"My name is Mike. What is your name?"

"Well, I'm Graham and my companions here are Patsy, John, and Mr. Smoke Too Much."

"Ah, Smoke Toom Much, eh? Well, you better-"

"Don't say it!" The rest of the group responded.

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I a closing in on a six week Python Binge. Please review but no Flames!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6- The Deadly Joke

A/N: I don't own Monty Python or The Wizard of Oz. Please review but no flames.

The group trotted down the yellow brick road. As they came out of Palin Country, they came upon a sign. "Poppy Field" was crossed out and written above it was "Episode One, Final Sketch." Graham looked at it quizzically.

"Well, let's go on ahead." Graham said.

Patsy looked to the right to see that the road forked. He started to say "Let's take the other way because I have a bad feeling about this place." But instead, he just kept his mouth shut.

The group trotted past the sign and into the fields. There were no poppies, just weeds and trees. Suddenly, they heard voices saying something that I cannot type here for safety of the reader. Graham gasped as he realized what was happening. Michael and Smokes Too Much began laughing and he too began to giggle. He noticed Patsy and John were not laughing.

"Patsy? Why aren't you laughing?"

"I don't get the joke."

"Patsy… Hee hee… Listen to me…. You have to get out of here! This joke is deadly!" Graham gasped.

"But Sire! I can't leave you!" Patsy said. "You are the reason I was created! I can't leave without you!"

"Patsy… go… please…"

Suddenly, Smoke Too Much stopped laughing. He looked at Graham.

"Abtually, I don't get the joke either." Smoke Too Much said.

John rolled his eyes.

"Well, I don't see what's so funny about it."

Graham looked at Patsy.

"Go… now… Patsy… before you… get… the joke…"

Michael collapsed. John and Smoke Too Much ran to him. Graham wheezed as he tried to stop laughing.

"Sire… You need to stop laughing! Please, Sire… I don't want you to die!"

Graham coughed as he laughed. He soon realized he was being cradled. He looked up at Patsy.

"Get out… while you… still can…" Graham gasped.

"Let's make them depressed! Tell them about how I was attabed by a Siamese Bat!" Smoke Too Much said.

Graham and Michael laughed even harder.

"Tell them about my parrot and how it's deceased! Bereft of life! And how it's gone to meet its maker!" John shouted at the top of his lungs.

Michael suddenly stopped laughing while Graham continued on.

"It worked for Michael but not for Graham!" Patsy cried. "Surely you miss something Sire!"

Graham was now unconscious.

"Sire! Sire! Wake up!" Patsy cried.

"I don't think he made it…" Michael said.

The group decided to go on in Graham's honor. Suddenly, they heard a voice call out to them.

"I'm not dead!"

They all snapped around to see a rather ticked off Graham Chapman.

"Graham?" John asked.

Patsy ran to Graham who was just standing up. It seemed to be in slow motion to Graham. Patsy ran to him, throwing his heavy load to the ground, and then he jumped on Graham and hugged him, knocking him down.

"Alright, Patsy! I'm alive! Let's go on."

"What was it you missed, Sire?" Patsy asked.

"Well…I missed-"

"Graham! Look! It says that the Grail is only two Countries away! Let's go!"

With that, the subject was changed and the group went on their way toward Jones Country.

A/N: Thus endeth another chapter. Please Review but no flames.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7- Jones Country

A/N: I don't Own Monty Python or "The Wizard of Oz". If you wonder about a change in voice, it is only because I have typed this out in script form but since it isn't allowed, I shall try to translate it to prose-ish-ness…

Graham sat up in his sleeping bag. All except himself were asleep. He smiled up at the stars. They were so beautiful. He looked at Patsy, who slept by his side. It was strange, but he felt a weird attraction to Patsy. He shrugged it off.

_You're with David, remember!_

Graham looked out at his surroundings. He couldn't sleep. He missed everything about England. He laid down in his sleeping bag and looked up at the stars. He hoped everyone was okay back in England. He fell asleep to the chirp of the crickets.

Meanwhile, Patsy awakened to see Graham next to him. He smiled at his master. He had to hide his feelings for him. It was much more than admiration. He closed his eyes again.

"Goodnight, Sire…" He whispered.

The next morning, as Smoke Too Much and John went scouting, Michael told Graham his story.

"Every day, something really bad happens to me. When I was younger, I was out fishing with my father. It started raining rather hard. I fell out of the boat. My father called out to

me and told me to hang on to the rope he had thrown out. It was too far. I shouted to him,

'I can't! It's too far!'"

At this, the Liberty Bell March struck up. For ease to the typist, At each "It's" it should be known that the Liberty Bell March played.

"And that blasted song started! When I was talking to my dear friend, Arthur Pewty, about his problems with his wife, I told him, 'There's only one way I can help you solve that problem. It's-' and that blasted song started again. I just wish I could figure out a way to keep that blasted song from playing!"

Graham nodded.

"Well, we'll try to get you some help." He said.

"So what's your story? I never got to hear what you missed." Michael said.

"Well, I missed-"

Graham was cut short when John and Smoke Too Much came running to Graham.

"We have to go, now!" John cried.

"It's the Wibed Spam Lady of the West! Hurry or she'll get us!"

Before they could run, The Spam Lady appeared with a can of Spam in her hand. Graham was not sure why the others were so afraid of her because she truly looked harmless.

"Not so fast, my pretties," She cackled in a voice that made Graham giggle. "You've trespassed into Jones Country! Now you must pay."

The Spam Lady began to advance on the group. They all cowered behind Graham. Graham sighed and began to provide the Spam Lady with abuse… only to be clubbed upside the head with a can of Spam. Graham's faithful friends did what anyone would do in that situation.

"Run Away!" Smoke Too Much cried.

"Run Away!" The others answered.

The group scattered as the Spam Lady dragged Graham to her restaurant.

A/N: What will happen to Graham? Oh the suspense. Please Review but no flames.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8- Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam

A/N: I don't own Monty Python or Graham Chapman. Please review but no flames.

Graham woke up to a massive head ache. He began to reach up his hand when he realized that neither arm could move. He quickly realized he was tied up. He blinked to focus on his surroundings.

"Where am I?' he asked.

"Why, you're in my restaurant, my pretty!" a cackling voice replied.

Graham snapped around to see the Spam Lady.

"Now," she said as she advanced on him with the can of Spam, "You have two choices. You can give me the cans of Spam on your feet and die or you can not give them to me and die."

Graham blinked there seemed to be no choice.

"What's so bleeding important about the cans of Spam?" he asked.

"They may be magical!" The Spam lady cackled. "Do you know why people fear me?"

"Because you carry something that smells and tastes like cat food?" Graham snapped.

"No! The staple food of Jones country is Spam and we ran out. Spam is poisonous to all outside of Jones Country. It was most poisonous to those in Chapman Country. Only they could help us with our shortage, if you know what I mean…"

It dawned on Graham. He gasped.

"Oh no! You aren't go to- You don't- THAT'S SICK!" he cried out as she laughed.

"And now, my pretty, if you do not do as I wish in a half an hour-"

A watch beeped. The Spam Lady looked at her wrist watch.

"Oh my! It's tea time. I'll be right back and then, you're mine!"

The Spam Lady disappeared. Graham sat on his chair and began to do something he rarely did. Graham wept bitterly.

A few kilometers from the restaurant, The group had rejoined and were now huddled around a fire. Patsy sat a bit away from the rest of the group. He had failed Graham and now, he could be hurt or worse. He looked over at the rest of the group. They were all as worried as he was. He had to be strong, like Graham. He crawled over to the rest of the group.

"What do we do now?" he asked. _Great. Real strong, Patsy_ "Sire is gone… and maybe dead."

John Straightened up. He had always put up a façade of strength, but now, he was terrified.

"Well… we should go and find him…" he said.

They heard low voices singing almost a mantra.

"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…"

They began to stand up and walk in the direction of singing. Patsy became increasingly worried. He had heard of a tale that when the Spam Lady waged her secret wart on Chapman Country, the Vikings of Jones Country would gather to watch, not knowing that someone was being executed.

"Oh please don't let Graham get hurt…" he whispered to himself. "I need him…"

Meanwhile, Graham was in the kitchen of the restaurant, still weeping. He had seen a vision of David, alone and crying his name. How Graham had wanted to reach out to him but he couldn't. He looked up. He began to do another thing he didn't do often.

"Lord… please, let me get out of this one… I need to go home… I need to see David…I need to get back…I don't want to die…"

He heard a bang against the door. He turned to see Patsy, barreling in the doorway.

"Sire!" he cried out to the tied up Graham.

"Oh, thank God you're here!" Graham cried out as they untied him.

"Hurry! We have to get out!" John cried.

As soon as Graham was untied, the Spam Lady of the West appeared.

"Not so fast! I must kill you all now!" She cackled evilly. "I think I'll start alphabetically!" she cackled as she approached Graham with the can of Spam.

"No! I don't like Spam!" Graham screamed in the pepperpot voice, causing the Spam Lady to fall to the floor screaming.

"It's working! Keep going!" John cried out.

"I don't like Spam!" Graham screamed again.

"Bome on! Let's go before she batches us!" Smoke Too Much cried.

They tore out of the restaurant and back down the Yellow Brick Road. As Patsy ran behind Graham, all he could think was: _Man, he has a fine ..._

A/N: Please review but no Flames.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9- Patsy's confession.

A/N: I don't own Monty Python. One more chapter to go. I may do a sequel… I dunno… depends on my workload…

The group neared the ex-Chapman Country. A sign reading "Grail: Just a few kilometers this way" stood on the side of the road.

"We're almost there!" Patsy cried out.

"Soon I'll be able to go home!" Graham cheered. This disturbed Patsy.

"No! You can't leave!" he finally got out. "If you go, I won't have a purpose!"

"Sure you will." Michael said.

"No I won't!" Patsy cried out.

John hit him over the head with the deceased parrot.

"Let's just go!" he said.

"Yes. Let's hurry. Then we'll all get what we want." Graham said.

Patsy stopped as the rest of the group went ahead.

"Sure, we all get what we want…" Patsy whispered.

Patsy sat down. He wanted Graham to stay. Graham was the first person he ever loved. He watched Graham stop and turn around.

"I'll be back." He called to the rest of the group before walking to the page.

Patsy bowed his head in embarrassment as Graham walked over to him.

"Patsy… come on! We're almost to the Grail!"

Patsy looked up at Graham.

"What if you can't go back?"

Graham paused. He had been afraid of that the whole time. He looked down at Patsy.

"Why would you ask that?" he asked.

"Because it could happen… Graham… I don't want to be alone…. I need you…" Patsy whispered.

"What do you mean?" Graham asked.

Patsy grabbed Graham and, before he could protest, planted a passionate kiss on his lips. Graham was tense. This was like kissing Gilliam… but it somehow… no… Think of David!

Patsy released Graham. Graham gasped.

"Oh Patsy…" he whispered.

'I'm sorry, Sire… It's just that… If you are leaving… I wanted to let you know how I felt… I'm sorry sire…"

Patsy looked away. Graham touched his shoulder.

"Don't be ashamed, Patsy. It's alright…"

Patsy looked p at Graham. Graham smiled.

"I'll tell you what… If I can't go back, I'll stay with you… who knows, maybe things'll work out…"

Patsy smiled. He kneeled before Graham.

"Thank you, sire."

Graham helped him up.

"You're welcome Patsy."

Graham pretended to mount a horse. The two "galloped" over the hill to join the others.

A/N: Please review but no flames.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10- The Grail and the End… I s'pose

A/N: The final chapter. I don't own Monty Python.

The group approached the Grail with caution. Graham stood before it.

"Hello? Grail? We've come a long way to find you…" Graham said.

The Grail did not respond. John got incredibly angry.

"How dare you not respond when Graham speaks! He is your creator and-"

"I know who he is." The Grail said in a low voice. "Graham Chapman… and all of you…have come to see me. Here I am… Ask your questions."

John stepped up to the Grail.

"Well, I was in Palin Country and I was trying to get a living parrot but the shop owner won't take back the dead parrot he gave me."

"Why not get a lawyer?"

"A what?"

"A lawyer. Not only will you be able to sue for a new parrot but also for damages and counseling."

"Do you have one?"

"Here's a card for a good one."

A card shot out of the Grail. John caught it and smiled. Smoke Too Much stepped forward.

"Mr. Smoke Too Much?"

"Yes?"

"You can't say C?"

"That's right. I ban't say B."

"Then just replace the letter C with the letter K."

"B-c-cat! Color! I can say all I want to now!"

Mr. Smoke Too Much joined John as Michael stepped forward.

"Michael."

"Yes."

"What is going on with you is entirely psychosomatic. Just don't think that the Liberty Bell March will play Every time you say 'It's'."

"Are you sure it's going to work?" he asked.

"It just did."

Michael clapped joyfully. Graham stepped forward.

"And Graham."

"Yes."

"You want to know why you're here."

"Yes. Why am I-"

"I don't know."

"So I can go home, right?"

"Not exactly… you see, in England, you are dead… In fact, you are cremated… the only way that we could bring you back is to have you go into your body."

"Can you conjure it up?"

"I can try…" the Grail said.

It hummed and a Pepperpot appeared as the Grail disappeared.

"Hello, Graham." She said. She then produced an urn. "Spin three times as I say the magic words."

Graham complied. Before the Pepperpot could speak, Patsy bumped into her on "accident", knocking the urn to the ground, spilling its contents.

"Oops!" she said. "This'll take years to clean up."

Graham looked hopelessly at the ashes on the ground as Patsy did a victory dance.

A/N: Thus Endeth the story. Please Review but no flames.


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